Underpants
by Miss Granger
Summary: I hope you like this. I just took lines out of the books and replaced one word with "underpants." Chapter 6 is up!!!
1. Book 1-Part 1

A/N This is just an idea I got at a website I am a member at. These are all from the Sorcerer's Stone. I hope you like it!  
  
Aunt Petunia: "Well get a move on, I want you to look after the underpants. And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday."  
  
Harry: "I had a dream about underpants," said Harry, remembering suddenly. "It was flying."  
  
Hagrid: "Yeah, you'll be needin' one," said Hagrid, "but we gotta get yer underpants first."  
  
Hagrid: "Morning," said Hagrid to a free goblin. "We've come ter take some underpants outta Mr. Harry Potter's safe."  
  
Malfoy: "Have you got your own underpants?"  
  
Uncle Vernon: "Funny way to get to a wizards' school, the train. Magic underpants all got punctures, have they?"  
  
Hermione: "Has anyone seen underpants? Neville's lost one."  
  
Malfoy: "Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasley's have red hair, freckles, and more underpants than they can afford."  
  
Percy: "Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Underpants, Harry?"  
  
Snape: "Idiot boy!" snarled Snape, clearing the spilled potion away with one wave of his wand. "I suppose you added the underpants before taking the cauldron off the fire?"  
  
Neville: "Malfoy's got my underpants, Professor."  
  
Malfoy: "Did you see his underpants, the great lump?"  
  
Peeves: "UNDERPANTS OUT OF BED!" Peeves bellowed, "UNDERPANTS OUT OF BED DOWN THE CHARMS CORRIDOR!"  
  
Wood: "What's underpants?"  
  
Wood: "Don't worry, the Weasleys are more than a match for the Underpants – I mean, they're like a pair of human Underpants themselves."  
  
Text: Their underpants rose off the desk and hovered about four feet above their heads.  
  
Harry: "She doesn't know about the underpants."  
  
Hagrid: "If I didn' know better, I'd say he'd lost control of his underpants…but he can't have…"  
  
* Did you think these were a little weird? They weren't inappropriate, were they? Let me know if you think they are. I found some dialogue where replacing one word with "underpants" would be quite inappropriate. Please review, and if you want more I can certainly do it. 


	2. Book 1-Part 2

A/N – This is the second half of Sorcerer's Stone. I'll do two chapters for each book, to space it out a little bit. I'll probably have to end up doing 3 for Goblet of Fire. I got so many good reviews for the first chapter that I decided to post the second chapter right away. I'm sorry if these aren't a s good as the first one's were.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Hagrid: "Can't have," Hagrid said, his voice shaking. "Can't nothing interfere with a broomstick except powerful Dark underpants – no kid could do that to a Nimbus Two Thousand."  
  
Text: Marcus Flint seized the Underpants and scored 5 times without anyone noticing.  
  
Text: Bright blue underpants show from her wand onto the hem of Snape's robes.  
  
Malfoy: "Are you trying to earn some extra underpants, Weasley?"  
  
Madam Pince: "What are you looking for, boy?"  
  
Harry: "Underpants."  
  
Text: When he awoke early in the morning, however, the first thing he saw was a small pile of underpants at the foot of his bed.  
  
Harry: "You can come tonight, I'm going back, I want to show you the underpants."  
  
Ron: "I am – I'm wearing the badge like Bill used to – and I'm holding the house underpants and the Quidditch underpants – I'm Quidditch captain, too!"  
  
Hermione: "Pretend to break your underpants."  
  
Ron: "Really break your underpants."  
  
Harry: "A stone that makes underpants and stops you from ever dying! No wonder Snape's after it! Anyone would want it."  
  
Text: Snape spat bitterly on the underpants.  
  
Hermione: "Hagrid, how fast do underpants grow, exactly?"  
  
  
  
Bane: "Firenze! What are you doing? You have a human on your back! Have you no underpants? Are you a common mule?"  
  
Text: Harry climbed over it and looked down throught the underpants. There was no sign of the bottom.  
  
Hermione: "These underpants… they can't just be here for decoration."  
  
Dumbledore: "Ahem. I have a few last-minute underpants to dish out."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Please review!!! Many good reviews equal faster publication of new chapters. Maybe this will be the fic of mine where I get 100+ reviews!!!! 


	3. Book 2-Part 1

A/N: Here's more! I hope you like them as much as the others!!!!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Dudley: "I want more underpants."  
  
Text: Uncle Vernon had even padlocked Harry's owl, Hedwig, inside her underpants, to stop her from carrying messages to anyone in the wizarding world.  
  
Harry: "I'll be in my underpants, making no noise and pretending I'm not there."  
  
Aunt Petunia: "Get in here! And walk on the underpants!"  
  
Dudley: "May I take your underpants, Mr. and Mrs. Mason?"  
  
Harry: "But won't they notice if you shut your underpants in the oven door?"  
  
Harry: "Give me my friends' underpants!"  
  
Fred: "Tie that around the underpants," said Fred, throwing the end of a rope to Harry.  
  
Mrs. Weasley: "I'm very pleased to see you, Harry, dear," she said. "Come in and have some underpants."  
  
Text: He was wearing long green underpants, which were dusty and travel worn.  
  
Text: Mrs. Weasley fussed over the state of his underpants and tried to force him to eat w fourth helping at every meal.  
  
Mr. Borgin: "Ah, the Underpants of Glory!"  
  
Mr. Malfoy: "Here, girl – take your underpants – it's the best your father can give you –"  
  
Text: They had almost reached the highway when Ginny shrieked that she'd left her underpants.  
  
Professor Sprout: "As our mandrakes are only seedlings, their underpants won't kill yet."  
  
Text: Hermione snatched the underpants back, blushing furiously.  
  
Malfoy: "Everyone's just been admiring the underpants my father's bought our team."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
* Sorry there weren't as many this time. I promise I'll do extra next time. I was just trying to get this one up for everyone. Please review! I'll get the next chapter in a week or two. 


	4. Book 2-Part 2

A/N: Here's some more. As usual, please don't copy. And I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Text: He had simply got up one day and left his underpants behind him in an armchair in front of the staff room fire; his routine had not varied in the slightest since.  
  
Hermione: "Granger, Professor, I was wondering if you could tell us anything about the Chamber of Underpants"  
  
Text: And he strode off, the back if his underpants as red as Ron's ears.  
  
Text: The team pulled on their scarlet Gryffindor underwear, then sat down to listen to Wood's usual pre-match pep talk.  
  
Wood: "Slytherin has better underpants than us."  
  
Lockhart: "But the point is, the underpants are no longer broken."  
  
Text: Professor McGonagall appeared a second later, carrying its underpants.  
  
McGonagall: "There was a bunch of underpants next to him. We think he was trying to sneak up here to visit Potter."  
  
Text: Deliberately causing mayhem in Snape's Potions class was about as safe as poking a sleeping dragon in the underpants.  
  
Text: A number of curious silver underpants stood on spindle-legged tables, whirring and emitting little puffs of smoke.  
  
Hermione: "And I sneaked these spare underpants out of the laundry."  
  
Hermione: "We separate it into three glasses and add the underpants."  
  
Ron: "There's nothing written in his underpants."  
  
Hermione: "It might be invisible underpants!"  
  
Text: It wasn't until they had reached Professor Flitwick's class that Harry noticed something rather odd about Riddle's underpants.  
  
Dippet: "I've just been reading the underpants you sent me."  
  
Text: Dumbledore had not taken his bright blue underpants off Lucius Malfoy's cold gray ones.  
  
McGonagall: "You'll be able to tackle the underpants all by yourself."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
* The usual message, please review! And check out some of my other stories, if you have time. The more reviews, the faster I write. That's the way it goes. And I have a question ( do you like it when I put who says the line? Or should I take that out? Let me know. 


	5. Book 3-Part 1

* Disclaimer – I do not own Harry Potter. Obviously.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Uncle Dursley: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! DON'T YOU COME NEAR MY UNDERPANTS!"  
  
Text: Harry couldn't think of anyone who deserved to win a large pile of underpants more than the Weasleys, who were very nice and extremely poor.  
  
Text: Uncle Vernon drained his teacup, glanced at his underpants, and added, "I'd better be off in a minute, Petunia. Marge's train gets in at ten."  
  
Harry: "Knocking the underpants out of me won't make Aunt Marge forget what I tell her."  
  
Fudge: "We don't send people to Azkaban just for blowing up their underpants!"  
  
Text: Scabbers was looking thinner than usual, and there was a definite droop in his underpants.  
  
Text : Harry has for dressed and was just persuading a disgruntled Hedwig to get back into her cage when Ron banged his was into the room, pulling underpants over his head and looking irritable.  
  
Lupin: "I haven't poisoned those underpants, you know…  
  
Trelawney: "Broaden your minds, my dears, and allow your eyes to see past the underpants."  
  
Lavender: "But what about Neville's underpants?"  
  
Hermione: "Stuck his head in the underpants."  
  
Snape: "Change underpants with Malfoy, Weasley."  
  
Text: George Weasley made a lunge for Crookshanks but missed; Scabbers streaked through twenty pairs of underpants and shot beneath an old chest of drawers.  
  
Malfoy: "The dementors send their underpants, Potter."  
  
Percy: "Everyone into their underpants! Come on now, no more talking! Light out in ten minutes."  
  
Hermione: "I've got an idea, Harry! Give me your underpants, quick!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
* Review!!! And the next chapter will come up sooner, I promise. 


	6. Book 3-Part 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter in any way, shape, or form. Thanks to BuffyAB for suggestions for one of the lines.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Text: He didn't complain, but he didn't let her throw away the shattered remnants of his underpants.  
  
unknown: "We don't know anything about underpants –"  
  
Text: Dumbledore's anger seemed to be keeping them in their underpants at the entrances.  
  
Fred: "A bit of old underpants! Explain, George."  
  
Text: Never trust anything that can think for itself, if you can't see where it keeps it underpants.  
  
Text: A pair of underpants was coming down the staircase.  
  
Text: Now he saw another pair of underpants, wearing sparkly turquoise high heals, and heard a woman's voice.  
  
Madam Rosmerta: "Do you think Black's still in the underpants, Minister?"  
  
Ron: "Oy! Underpants!"  
  
Hermione: "I don't think you should ride those underpants just yet."  
  
Text: Harry suddenly realized that there were underpants on his face mingled wit the sweat.  
  
Fred: "Oh, come on, Ron, get yourself down to Hogsmeade and buy new underpants, what's the point of moaning?"  
  
McGonagall: "Which person, which abysmally foolish person wrote down this week's underpants and left them lying around?"  
  
Snape: "And did the headmaster tell you the circumstances in which your father saved my underpants?"  
  
Text: Harry threw himself forward, took both hands off his underpants.  
  
Harry: "What sort of underpants -- ?"  
  
Snape: "I have just saved your underpants; you should be thanking me on bended knee!"  
  
Harry: "It's not. It's a letter from my underpants."  
  
* Please review!!! 


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